Meds and Hiatus and Fun in California

I think I just gave out and couldn't even think about posting anything on this blog for a while. I'm back in California now, enjoying a bit of a hiatus from Mom care. I consider myself a strong person but caring for Mom did me in this time around. Mom is a tough job but one that has to be done, one way or another.
My thought is that she is basically out of control, and with some pharmaceutical assistance she could be happier, as well as easier to care for, thus making life better for everyone else involved. Yes, I know that sounds terrible and you are thinking..."what a horrible person"... but having a 92 year old controlling 3 families is much worse. We are working on getting her an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist who could diagnose then prescribe just the right formula for her. I'm really hoping that she gets started before I go back January; actually I've threatened not to return if she isn't on meds...but that's probably just an empty threat but don't tell my family.
So many well meaning friends say, "you're so lucky to have her around still", yes I am but that doesn't make caring for her any easier. I barely can refrain from telling them, "You try it for a while buddy", but I keep those comments to myself.

Thanks for Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving came and went and we really didn't get too far with our plans but I did get 2 days off. My Mom just got back from my sister's and I feel a lot more relaxed now. After only a day or two with my Mom both my brother and sister seem to get just as stressed as I do.
Things are quiet right now; tomorrow I'm sure we'll be having lunch out and the cycle will start all over again, but I'll be better equipped to handle it, at least for a few days. I get to go back to California next week and I will enjoy the time off

Challenges

It's been a few days since I posted anything. My mother's early morning walk ended up affecting me more than I thought. Everything seemed to have a snowball affect on me until I had a total melt down, ending with driving my Mom to my brother's house and leaving her in their care until the next day. It is very difficult to keep in mind that all her behaviors have nothing to do with the person she used to be, but with all the disconnects and misfires of her brain.
All the said, it is hard to keep a good perspective.
As a caregiver you need to ask for some help, and have folks around you that can and will give that needed assistance. No one can do this alone. Baby boomers have challenges never faced before. Our parents are living longer than their parents did; therefore there is little experience to draw from.
As a family, we have not made plans for my mother's future, other than sharing the responsibility of caring for her. I hope to be able to take some time on Thanksgiving to discuss what may have to happen in the future. Everyone seems to be burning out because caring for my mother 24/7 is a task that cannot be done by one person alone. There are many options, elderly day care, assisted living, part-time assistance to name a few. All of the choices involve much research, decisions, financial considerations and a certain degree of guilt. I hope to share some of the info I have gathered, thus far, with my siblings and then begin to map out a plan we can all live with.

Early Morning Jog

Today I thought I would sleep in late and go jogging at about 7:30, rather than get up at 5:45 to go to the gym,...bad idea. On my way back I found my Mom walking down the road in search of me. Rather than be freaked out I will look at it as that she got some early morning exercise in as well. It's good I jog the same route and so does she.

A Recharge

Some days I'm just grumpy, I really don't know why...but I am; maybe I'm just stressed. Today it started early at 6 AM, my mother was up asking me where I was going. As usual I said I was on the way to the gym, she said I should wait till later. I just looked at her and told her to please go back to bed. When I got back from the gym, I was glad to see she was still asleep. Around 10:30 I called my sister asking her if she could come over. My sister is the good one, she heard the need in my voice. By noon, her and her husband came over to take us out to lunch.
Sometimes you just can't do it all by yourself. I think that is an important thing to remember when you're caring for your elderly parent.
Thank you my sister and brother-in-law. Lunch was wonderful, even if I broke my diet big time.

Mom is Acknowledged

Sunday my Mom's church acknowledged her for her many years of service, it was a big honor. She got up really early, took a bath and began looking through her clothes to pick just the right outfit. We dropped her off looking wonderful; her friends accompanied her to the event. I thought of going as well but the family was not invited (I'm not a member of her church). She told me all about it when I picked her up. She said it was held in a hall, dinner was served, her photos were displayed, there was cake and even some dancing. She said she danced with a married man but didn't remember who he was. Today she wore the necklace and earrings that were a gift from her church group. She had a great time.

Tomorrow will be Better

Today we had a good time during the day, my sister came over with her 2 year old grand daughter and we did some shopping at the local second hand shop. When my Mom stays with my sister she gets to play with the 2 year old, they have a very fun relationship; my mother speaks her best English with the little one. FYI my Mom has 7 grandchildren and 7 great grandchildren and one on the way
Later things got more difficult. My brother coming over always triggers a "frenzy" with my Mom, I just stayed in the bedroom and watched several rerun episodes of Gray's Anatomy, considering I used to not enjoy TV, that's a lot of reruns . 2 shots of Tequila later things don't look so bad; dinner was some comfort food, not good for my South Beach efforts. Tomorrow is another day.

Sooooo Good

I do all the cooking at my mother's, hence I have to make lots of Puerto Rican food. One of the things that I'm perfecting is my chicken soup which goes perfectly with tostones ( fried green plantains). I've got to tell you that it is my very very favorite food in the whole world, at least today it is. Of course, this menu doesn't do so much for my attempts at the South Beach Diet. I've lost 5 lbs; probably have found most of them again in the last few days. I just want to know where the hell is my will power.

Saturday Night Fever

Saturday my Mom was saying that if she only knew how to get to her sister's house, she would like to go there. It wasn't but 30 minutes later that the phone rings and it's her sister's daughter saying that her Mom wanted to talk with my Mom, talk about coincidence. I suggested that she give me directions and I'd drive the hour to have the sisters visit in person. So off we go. All the way there my Mom said we were lost and I was going in the wrong direction, she had me to a point of wanting to yank my hair out of my head. We finally got there and we had a good time...that is as good of a time as you could have with 3 over 90 year old folks. We left at dusk and again all the way back she said we were lost. Things got even more interesting when my sister-in-law called and invited us to a party with her co-workers. I had my brother on the cell giving me turn by turn instructions all the time my mother constantly complaining that we were lost. I was at that point almost losing my mind. My Mom even pulled her "I think I may get sick" card. I said, "if you want to throw up, I'll pull over", she said " no I don't need to throw up. She never really let up about being lost until I said that I could take her home, and I would go to the party alone (I was bluffing), if she would like Once at the party we ended up having a great time, Mom and I danced the night away and didn't get home until midnight. I really was grateful to my sister-in-law for insisting that we go to the party.
Once in the caregiver mode, I find myself being reluctant to change the routine but I am learning that the unexpected can be the most fun for me as well as Mom.

Today in Short

Sometimes it's just so hard to be patient, some days are easier and others are just not. Tomorrow will be better, right?

The Wedding in California

My Mom used to get really nervous about flying but now she likes it...another good change. In late September she flew to Los Angeles, with my sister and brother-in-law, to go to my daughter's wedding. She and I walked around to most of the tables to meet and greet guests.
She had a great time, blew bubbles, and danced the night away in her silver and rhinestone shoes.

Have a Little Soup, It's Good for You

The mention of my brother's name can put my mother into a feeding frenzy, she immediately starts taking things out of the freezer to make him something to eat, even if there's not plan for him coming over. She has always been obsessed with him but now it's 100 times more intense. Today when I walked into the kitchen she had everything set out to make dinner, but that's as far as she ever goes. So, of course, I ended up making a very large pot of soup just for the two of us.
I never thought of this before but I think it must be difficult on my brother, to be watched over by his mother as though he were a 2 year old. I've got to hand it to him; has an amazing amount of patience.

Not so Fun Symptoms

As I mentioned in an earlier post, some of the changes that dementia causes are difficult to cope with. My mother has trouble distinguishing what is real and what she has imagined. The things she says that have happened sometimes are really outlandish and other times you think, "Yeah, that probably happened", the trouble is you never can predict which is which. The other day she showed me her hand and said that she had gotten her finger caught in a car door. The finger looked a little tweaked but arthritis could be the cause of that. I called my sister just to check, sort of say, "listen to what Mom made up today", to my surprise my sister said that it did happen. I felt a badly that I hadn't believed her. The dementia symptoms are not consistent, at times she is spot on and hyper vigilant other times she is just out there. As a caregiver, it keeps me a little off balance, I can't assume anything.
Another story she repeats frequently is that my sister-in-law chased her around the yard with a baseball bat, trying to kill her, she goes on to say that her friend came over and took the bat away. None of this happened, my sister even had my Mom's friend come over to tell my Mom it did not happen, went on to explain to her that she must have had a bad dream. My Mom still thinks it really happened, when she brings it up I just change the subject. She also accuses the same sister-in-law of stealing things, but in fact my mother hides things. Whenever I find something she says had been stolen, she says that my sister-in-law hid it. It's a very sad part of the disease and no amount of explanation will change her mind.
Patience is what my goal is for everyday...also staying on my South Beach Diet, even though I'd rather get friendly with Captain Morgan

Purse Soup

We went out to lunch the other day with my niece and her girls, actually we go out to lunch everyday. Usually if I stay on my computer past 10:30, my mother walks in with her handbag on her shoulder and asks "When are we going out?". Anyway...back to the story; I ordered a sandwich and soup for my mom and I to share, we both ate our half of the sandwich but neither one of us wanted the soup. My Mom wrapped up a few muffins in a napkin and told me, "you can take the soup home in your purse".
My Mom used to be fairly shy, quiet, and serious but now one of the changes I've noticed is that she jokes and laughs more. Some changes caused by dementia are difficult to cope with but laughing is a delightful one.

Are these pants too long or too short?

This is confusing. I bought her a pair of capri pants last year, since she is only 4'9" the pants are on the long side. She thought they're long pants that are too short and no amount of explaining would change her mind. I finally caved in a put the hem down as far as possible. She still thinks they're too short and tugs on them whenever she wears them. I told her today that I was going to make them shorter, make them into capri pants again, but she said, "don't do that, they're already too short". I said "No mom they're not too short, they are too long". She looks down at the end of the pants and says, "look,they are too short". Finally I said unless you're going to wear them down low on your butt, like the kids do, they will always be too short for long pants. At that point I pulled my pants down low and walked around the room like that, she just started to laugh. Anyway...I'm going to make them into shorter capri pants and see what happens

Closet Editing

My mother's house is filled with things that friends and relatives give her once they are done with them or don't have room for in their home, hence the house is full of junk. She has clothes ranging in size from 4 petite to size 14. My mom is just 4 ft. 9 in., and weighs in at about 102, so much of the stuff is just taking up space. My job is to thin things out, or as interior designers say "edit". I do my editing once my Mom has gone to bed; she would keep it all, burying herself in mounds of cast offs. I bag up stuff to take to goodwill and take them with me when I leave for the gym at 6 in the morning. I only have to make sure to avoid taking her to the particular second hand store, or else she may recognize some items or even worse bring them home again.

I Love the Dryer

Well...I've got the dryer up and running. It just took calling an electrician, a few new fuses and $50. I've never been so delighted to do the wash before; there is plenty to keep the dryer busy. My mom and sister love shopping in the second hand stores, additionally family members are always giving her, either new clothes or things that they don't want any more, hence my mom owns tons of clothes; many in need of washing.

Are These Your Sunglasses?

My Mom can remember things that happened a few days ago as well as things that happened 70 years ago, it's the stuff that you told her 5 minutes ago that are on immediate delete mode Actually some of the stories she tells me, usually when I'm driving, are really interesting but that's for another posting.
The other day she walked over to me, holding out some sunglasses. She asked me if they were mine, I said no, they were hers. A few minutes later she came over to me again and asked, "Are these your sunglasses?" I once again told her no, this scenario repeated itself about 5 times before I said, "Mom, you just asked me that about 5 times". She said "I did?", then she turned away for a moment, turned right back to me then asked "Are these your sunglasses?", then she cracked up laughing, and so did I.
FYI: she has about 6 pairs of sunglasses, she's absconded with all my sisters sunglasses.

Vino at 8 AM

I give my Mom Prilosec in the mornings. This morning she wanted to take it with some wine. She says that it's like juice and it's good for your health. I told her 8 AM was a bit too early for wine, so she settled for water. Mid afternoon is usually the time I give her some wine, mellows her out some

Sunday unlocked

Today has been pretty quiet, the only thing that my Mom did today was lock her bathroom door, from the inside. The only problem was that she wasn't inside the bathroom, it only took a few phone calls for advise and a small screwdriver to get it unlocked.
Yesterday I was so excited, after going to see a few used appliance stores we picked out a good used Maytag dryer. You see my Mom used to have a dryer until she decided that it used too much electricity, so she had someone take it out. It sat in the yard for nearly a year, until I got here and had the nasty rusty thing hauled away. Anyway back to yesterday. I had it delivered, seemed easy enough, just have the guy set it in place and plug it in. So wrong....it seems that someone has disabled the 220 power away so now I have to call an electrician to run some wires, so my clothes washing and drying fest has to wait.